What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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