his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
