wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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