I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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