I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
