I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
