2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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