I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
