even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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