3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
