i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
