i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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