i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
