I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
