Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
