The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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