So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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