just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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