I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
