how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
