I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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