I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
