The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
