I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
