If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
