Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize