I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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