I checked into jail on foursquare
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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