i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
