this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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