What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
