I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
