If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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