found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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