i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
