I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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