I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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