she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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