Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
