May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
