Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
