Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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