You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
