she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize