I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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