Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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