I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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