I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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