I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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