im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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