okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
