first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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