Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
