It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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