she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize