the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
