My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
