i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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