sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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