my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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