I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
sarcasm needs its own font
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
