just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
