Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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