there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
