she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
