Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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