I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
