I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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