hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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